The maid of honor just puked.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
