I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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