dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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