May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
