Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
