the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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