Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
