Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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