It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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