he was CRYING into my vagina
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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