Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
