Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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