Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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