yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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