still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
