apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
