Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
