I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
