took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
