Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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