ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
