Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
