Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
