"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
