if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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