went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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