Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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