May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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