I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
