Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
