Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
