mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
