Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
