shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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