i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
