I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
That reminds me...we need to get swords
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
