Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
