Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
