im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
