she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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