I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
