He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
