Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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