There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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