Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
