My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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