i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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