This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
