They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
