The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
