right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
