6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
