i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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