Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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