You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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