i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
