I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
