I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
