my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
