my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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