i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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