i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
