wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
